Types of Girls:-Hard Disk Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
Windows Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
Screensaver Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
Internet Girls:
Difficult to access.
Server Girls:
Always busy when you need her.
Multimedia Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.
Email Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
Virus Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
Error Messages:-There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Kiss Defined:-
Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.
Nuns` Habits:-
Three drunk guys are sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game (whose habits partially blocked the view).
In an effort to get te nuns to move, the men decided to badger them.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, I heard there are only 100 nuns living there."
The Second Guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there."
The Third Guy said, "Well, I want to go to Idaho, they say there are only 25 Nuns living there."
At that, one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, "Why don't you all go to hell. You won't find any nuns there."
Dead Politicians:-
Busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Expensive Doctor :-
Joe goes to consult a world famous specialist about his medical problem. After the visit Joe asks, "How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money? Do you think I'm Bill Gates ?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty bucks and get out."
"I can give you twenty," says Joe. "Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"
"Listen, Doctor", says Joe, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive."
Homeless Woman :-
A lady was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the lady asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well, I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked, "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The lady said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
Men & Women :-
Discoveries and Inventions by Men And Women
Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things...
While Women STUCK to shopping.
Positive Outlook :-
How to start your day with a positive outlook
Open a new file in your PC.
Name it as "Boss".
Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"
Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
Feel better? Have A Nice Day.
Toilet Facilities :-
The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...
"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
"It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."
Philosophy Class :-
A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?"
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
Genius at Work :-
At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.
As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."
Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"
As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.
The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did.
The minister asked, "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"
The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."
Electric Razor :-
An unhappy-looking old man had stood in the long gift return line at the store. Finally he made it to the counter with his package.
The clerk, observing his stubble of day-old beard, spotted here and there by bits of stuck-on toilet paper, asked if he could help him.
The old man brought out the item he wished to exchange, an electric razor. "My son bought me this newfangled shaver," complained the fellow, "and he said it would let me shave in half the time with less cuts than my old straight razor. I tried it this morning, and it took almost a half hour, and it pulled out more hair than it cut! I want a refund!"
The patient clerk took the electric shaver and looked it over, seeing clumps of wiry facial hair sticking out of the screen. "Let's see if we can tell what the problem might be."
After turning it over and trying to switch it on, he removed the base and found that there were no batteries in it.
Asked the clerk, "Did you try some new batteries before taking them out?"
The grizzled old farmer squinted his eyes and rubbed his rough face, then asked, "It needs batteries?"
Wife`s Birthday :-
Santa thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to Jeetoo on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
Jeeto was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when Santa came home, kissed her and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, where'd you get them?"
Funniest Joke :-
Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.
Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.
Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.
Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.
Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.
The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"
Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Kiss Defined:-Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.
Nuns` Habits:-Three drunk guys are sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game (whose habits partially blocked the view).
In an effort to get te nuns to move, the men decided to badger them.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, I heard there are only 100 nuns living there."
The Second Guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there."
The Third Guy said, "Well, I want to go to Idaho, they say there are only 25 Nuns living there."
At that, one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, "Why don't you all go to hell. You won't find any nuns there."
Dead Politicians:- Busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Expensive Doctor :-Joe goes to consult a world famous specialist about his medical problem. After the visit Joe asks, "How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money? Do you think I'm Bill Gates ?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty bucks and get out."
"I can give you twenty," says Joe. "Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"
"Listen, Doctor", says Joe, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive."
Homeless Woman :- A lady was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the lady asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well, I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked, "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The lady said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
Men & Women :- Discoveries and Inventions by Men And Women
Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things...
While Women STUCK to shopping.
Positive Outlook :-How to start your day with a positive outlook
Open a new file in your PC.
Name it as "Boss".
Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"
Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
Feel better? Have A Nice Day.
Toilet Facilities :-The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...
"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
"It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."
Philosophy Class :-A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?"
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
Genius at Work :- At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.
As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."
Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"
As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.
The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did.
The minister asked, "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"
The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."
Electric Razor :-An unhappy-looking old man had stood in the long gift return line at the store. Finally he made it to the counter with his package.
The clerk, observing his stubble of day-old beard, spotted here and there by bits of stuck-on toilet paper, asked if he could help him.
The old man brought out the item he wished to exchange, an electric razor. "My son bought me this newfangled shaver," complained the fellow, "and he said it would let me shave in half the time with less cuts than my old straight razor. I tried it this morning, and it took almost a half hour, and it pulled out more hair than it cut! I want a refund!"
The patient clerk took the electric shaver and looked it over, seeing clumps of wiry facial hair sticking out of the screen. "Let's see if we can tell what the problem might be."
After turning it over and trying to switch it on, he removed the base and found that there were no batteries in it.
Asked the clerk, "Did you try some new batteries before taking them out?"
The grizzled old farmer squinted his eyes and rubbed his rough face, then asked, "It needs batteries?"
Wife`s Birthday :-Santa thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to Jeetoo on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
Jeeto was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when Santa came home, kissed her and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, where'd you get them?"
Funniest Joke :- Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.
Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.
Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.
Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.
Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.
The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"
Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"
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